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MOVIE CRITIQUE:
Screenwriter Larry Cohen has followed up his 2002's "Phone Booth," his earlier story about telephones adapted
to the screen, with this year's, "Cellular," which seems to be appropriate since both movies revolve around the
telephone as the major plot device.
This is an updating of his earlier story as the last telephone booth was probably torn down years ago. Not only were they
rendered useless by the widespread use of cell phones but, more importantly, they have become extinct since urban telephone
booths proved to be particularly useful as contact and drop off points in the illegal street drug trade.
In any event, I am sure that in future decades we will look at a telephone booth in the Smithsonian and wonder what that
tiny little glass and steel box was all about. (It's a shame that these ugly little boxes didn't possess the charm of the
fire engine red telephone booths that once populated the English countryside.)
"Cellular" is one of those movies that proves to be entertaining while you are in the theater, but it is also
one that will quickly fade from your memory once a few days have passed. It is neither a bad movie nor a boring movie, which
makes this movie just another summer "B" movie. There is nothing wrong with this, but be forewarned that "Cellular"
is only a movie that you should see if nothing else better is available.
My major problem with "Cellular" is that you must suspend your judgment and your sense of logic before you walk
into the theater in order to enjoy this movie. Also, maybe a drink or two beforehand might help...
There are so many absurd plot points in this movie that I cannot recall them all, but here are a few in passing:
1. Can you buy the premise that a thorough "slacker dude" can
somehow "morph" into a "robocop" after he answers a cellular
call for help from a wife held as a hostage in a kidnaping?
2. Can you buy the premise that this slacker dude can steal an
$80,000 Porsche Carrera Cabriolet from a Los Angeles
lawyer, of all people, and get away with it? And do this twice?
3. Can you buy the premise that this young man (Chris Evans)
can drive all the way out to the Los Angeles Airport, speeding
all the way, without running into one single cop?
4. Can you buy the premise that the husband calls the wife and
requests a meeting at a bar at the L. A. Airport and not at the
office of his personal attorney or at the office of a trusted
policeman? What were they going to do, fly away and leave
their young child in the hands of the kidnapers?
5. Can you buy the premise that the wife can jiggle telephone
wires together and somehow dial a legitimate cell phone
number, even if she is a high school science teacher (but not
an electrician)?
6. And can you buy yet another story about corrupt policemen on
the Los Angeles police force? Gee, what a surprise! This is
such a stretch!
Okay, I think that I have made my point. Picking apart what little logic there is in this movie is like shooting ducks
in a barrel - It is just too easy, so let's go with the flow and buy all the silly premises that are present in this crime
caper.
"Cellular" is otherwise a rather fun movie. There are a couple of plot twists and turns in this movie that show
that a certain amount of thought has been given to this story.
For much of the movie we are kept in the dark as to whether or not Jessica Martin's husband deserves to have these vicious
brutes chasing after him and we are also in the dark as to why they are so desperate to get something that he has that they
go out of their way to kidnap his wife and child. And this is after they have murdered the Martin's maid for having the bad
luck of being in the kitchen just when they come crashing through the back door.
These guys are not fooling around, and Jessica's attempts to escape from her captivity show a remarkable sense of resourcefulness
on her part. As she is all too aware, Jessica realizes that they will all be killed since the five men have not made any attempt
to disguise themselves and thus the the Martins as their kidnap victims could easily later identify them in a police lineup.
Another point of considerable interest is that Officer Mooney (William H. Macy) has served on the police force for 27
years and he is looking forward to his impending retirement. On the one hand, he expresses considerable regret that his career
has passed by with very little excitement, especially for a Los Angeles policeman. But the pragmatic side of him does not
want to do anything rash that might get himself injured or even killed so soon before he goes into his retirement from active
duty. He initially doesn't even want to be involved in this case, so he sends the slacker dude, Ryan (Chris Evans), upstairs
to see another officer in the homicide department.
"Cellular" is a movie best suited for later at the rental counter or perhaps now for a night when you just might
want to get out of the house. This is exactly the kind of movie that will be on TNT or TBS ad nauseum in the near future as
it is pretty much a harmless form of cinematic entertainment. This is not to say that it is not a fun movie that has much
to commend it, especially in the performances by its star laden cast, but it must also be admitted that this movie is as light
and fluffy as carnival cotton candy.
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MOVIE SYNOPSIS:
Jessica Martin (Kim Basinger) lovingly escorts her son, Ricky Martin (Adam Taylor), down to the school bus stop for a
ride to another day at school. She promises him that she will pick him up at 1:45 in the afternoon for baseball practice.
He is still at an age when he is not at all embarrassed about being treated with such care, even if it is by his own mother.
The bus leaves and pulls down the street and slowly disappears from view in the leafy, wooded, upper crust suburb where
the Martins live. Jessica heads back to her home, which turns out to be one of the larger and more impressive homes on the
street.
She walks in the back door and her maid greets her with the news that her husband had just called and that there is a
message waiting for her on the telephone answering system. She is just in the process of crossing the kitchen towards the
telephone when the glass in the back door shatters and several men storm through, each with a gun in his hand.
They shoot the poor maid dead on the spot and Jessica stands there in total shock as she sees the blood from this poor
woman start to cover the kitchen floor.
Jessica is quickly hustled out to a black van and driven off to a safe house some distance away from her own home. This
place is in a decidedly poorer section of town as everything about the house is dilapidated and run down. With little fanfare
she is thrown into an upstairs attic and the men lock the door behind them as they leave.
The few windows in the sparsely filled attic offer little in the way of help for Jessica, who turns out to be rather inventive
in searching for a way to improve her situation. She discovers a telephone hanging on a vertical beam just as the door opens
once again and one of the thugs comes in with a pipe and smashes the telephone to smithereens.
Even though the pieces are now lying on the floor, she is surprised to hear a dial tone still emanating from what is left
of the telephone. She starts to click some of the wires together in the hope that the electrical connections may somehow result
in an actual number being dialed.
Her efforts are interrupted on a regular basis when the leader of the gang, Greer (Jason Statham), comes in to interview
her as to what her husband's message meant when he asked her to meet him at a place defined by a letter designation. He also
asks her where he might have hidden something of great value. She is as much in the dark about this request as we are and
Jessica plaintively responds that she does not have a clue as to what is going on and why her life has suddenly been turned
upside down with so little warning.
Jessica is clearly out of the loop as to what all of this means as she has not heard the message herself, but the letter
designation does mean something, as it is the name of a bar out at the Los Angeles Airport where she and her husband have
always met for drinks before their trips.
Greer leaves, but not before he has threatened to pick up her son from school and kidnap him as well. The thought of her
son also being held hostage fills Jessica with terror. As a high school science teacher, she is in enough of a command of
her mental facilities to realize the grave danger that she is in. None of the five men has bothered to disguise himself, and
it seem obvious to Jessica that she and the rest of her family will all be killed just as soon as the men get whatever it
is that they want. They are cold-blooded killers who will not want any material witnesses to their crime left alive to finger
them as the culprits at some point in the future.
After Greer locks the door behind him as he leaves, Jessica starts to fiddle with the telephone wires once again, grateful
that Greer didn't hear the muffled dial tone emanating from under some clothes.
Ryan (Chris Evans) and his buddy, Chad (Eric Christian Olsen), are walking down the beach leading to the Santa Monica
pier. They are eyeballing all the voluptuous bikini clad babes who are walking, skating, or roller blading past when they
spy two girls that they know. One of them, Chloe (Jessica Biel), is a former girlfriend of Ryan's, and she is a very lovely
young thing that he would dearly like to have back in his life once again.
She berates him for his lack of responsibility and, because of this challenge to his credibility, not to mention his manhood,
Ryan makes a rash offer that she can test him with any request that she wishes so that he might have one more chance to prove
himself. She tells him that she needs him to make some calls and to distribute some fliers for an upcoming charitable event
and he readily agrees.
Ryan starts off on his new found venture when the cell phone in his pocket rings. Pulling it out and answering it, he
hears the plaintive call from a woman who is obviously distraught. She claims to be a kidnap victim being held against her
will in an unknown location and she is dreadfully afraid that her kidnapers are going to grab her young son as well.
Any normal person hearing this kind of a call out of the blue would naturally feel that someone is playing a cruel joke
on him, so Ryan puts the call on hold until he gets to a nearby police station. He meets Officer Mooney (William H. Macy)
behind the front desk, but Mooney is not all that receptive as he is managing the day shift and not working the homicide desk,
which is located upstairs on the fourth floor.
Neither does he believe the caller, but he does go through the motions as he writes down her name and her home address.
Unfortunately, as luck would have it, some prisoners break free and the station alarm is set off with the result that the
entire building quickly empties out onto the street.
Ryan is on his own as the upper floors of the station are now vacant and he doesn't know who to talk to. Furthermore,
Jessica Martin begs him to drop everything and immediately go to her son's school to rescue him before the gangsters pick
him up.
She also begs him not to hang the telephone up as there is no chance that she will ever be able to reach him again. He
is now her only lifeline, and he must keep the connection open at all costs...
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